siethology

DAMN IT!

2008-06-21T09:28:00.002+07:00

I now know that I'm orphaned 2 years ago, along with my mother's death.
If there's anyway to take back these words I would, but a scorned heart is not forgiving.
This is the day that I divorced my heart from love for my father.

I know that I'm blinded with anger and I shouldn't be making any hasty conclusion.
But please just let me...

The bloodpact is not eternal. I am not your son.

The Debt

2008-06-19T13:55:00.002+07:00

"Hey dude... could you lend me like 500k, I'll pay you back next month"
"Sure, what do you need it for?"
"Something comes up... you know..."
"No, I sure don't know... you mean the football bet? or that b*tch you're dating? oh or maybe that drug dealer you're dealing with?"
"STOP calling her that! Are you gonna lend me that money or not?"
"Hahahaha! I call her for what she does for living. Sex for sale, and if you're upset about it don't yell at me, yell at that b*tch you're sleeping with every night"
"F*ck you dude! Forget your money! I don't need money from a carcass-mouthed b*stard like you!"
"You know damn well that my mouth doesn't have brakes. And I don't give a f*ck bout what you think of me. I'll wire them to you tonight. And don't even bother paying back unless you can prove me wrong"

FYI this is not a real conversation

I won't bother with details.
Sometimes a friend says things that hurt your feelings. But they only hurt when it's true (or half-true) :D

just like an answered prayer

2008-04-14T21:50:00.002+07:00

Lord, protect our doubts, because Doubt is a way of praying. It is Doubt that makes us grow because it forces us to look fearlessly at many answers that exist to one question. And in order for this to be possible...

Lord, protect our decisions, because making Decision is a way of praying. Give us the courage, after our doubts, to be able to choose between one road and another, May our YES always be a YES, and our NO always be a NO. Once we have chosen our road, may we never look back nor allow our soul to be eaten away by remorse. And in order for this to be possible...

Lord, protect our actions, because Action is a way of praying. May our daily bread be the result of the very best that we carry within us. May we, through work and Action, share a little of the love we receive. And in order for this to be possible...

Lord, protect our dreams, because to Dream is a way of praying. Make sure that, regardless of our age or our circumstances, we are capable of keeping alight in our heart the sacred flame of hope and preseverance. And in order for this to be possible...

Lord, give us enthusiasm, because Enthusiasm is a way of praying. It is what binds us to the Heavens and to Earth, to grown-ups, and to children; it is what tells us that our desire are important and deserve our best efforts. It is Enthusiasm that reaffirms to us that everything is possible, as long as we are totally committed to what we are doing. And in order for this to be possible...

Lord, protect us, because Life is the only way we have of making manifest Your miracle. May the earth continue to transform seeds into wheat, may we continue to transmutate wheat into bread. And this is only possible if we have Love; therefore, do not leave us in solitude. Always give us Your company, and the company of men and women who have doubts, who act and dream and feel enthusiasm, and who live each day as if it were totally dedicated to Your glory.
Amen

~ from "Like the Flowing River" by Paulo Coelho
p.105, 'The Prayer that I Forgot"

faith-complex

2008-03-25T00:49:00.004+07:00

'He never grew up, but he never stop growing'
- Arthur C. Clarke

who is he? well, i've just heard his name a couple of times in the quotes of movies, novels and some interviews.
but to my surprise, he is one hell of a famous person among the sci-fi lunatics across the world. He was (and still is) hailed as a Grand Master in sci-fi writing by a prominent sci-fi association.

His often-called masterpiece was a script of a big hit movie 2001: Space Odyssey. Directed by Stanley Kubrick (Eyes Wide Shut, Full Metal Jacket), this movie was the cornerstone of science fiction movies about space exploring to come. As Arthur felt that Kubrick had undermined his authorities over the script, Arthur published the novel the year after the movie with slight differences. Both were well received.

another of his notable achievement was the idea of 'Geostationary Communication Satellite' in his paper,"Extra-Terrestrial Relays". Although uncontributed to the currently acknowledged Telecommunication Relay Satellite, his name is honoured to call the geostationary orbit, 'Clarke Orbit'.

Knighted by the Order of the British Empire, Sir Arthur Charles Clarke is an atheist to the death.
Sir Arthur could not forgive religions for the atrocities and endless wars upon this world. However, he seemed to always have a profound faith in the technology that human would breed as stated in Clarke's Law:
1. When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
2. The only way of discovering the limits of the possible is to venture a little way past them into the impossible.
3. Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

The 3rd law was the most cited, seen in many political speeches, movies, novels and even cartoons.

"God said, 'Cancel Program GENESIS.' The universe ceased to exist."
- Sir Arthur Charles Clarke.
---------------------------------------------

I happen to have a little faith in religion. I did not attend my Easter masses, except the Ash Wednesday which I half-heartedly decided. I am unable to feel the coherence of the teachings they said everyday with the world's endless bloodshed.

I've concluded that this world would not need a global catastrophy to end its life. The inhabitants would eventually killed their own planet for the sake of petty cash, a teaching of revenge, a mislead justice, a power display of a country, a 'sacrifice the few for the many', or simply a jealousy.

I've cried for a lover, a family, a friend, a fiction character, an animal, a famous person, a country, a world.

I've despaired on my life, stood up only to be strangled by the burdens of my heart.
Perhaps it is better that I quit the all-loving bullshit i've been trying to keep all my life. Perhaps it would be a salvation for me to forgo the stupid naivety to have faith in ourselves.

But somehow, i always knew that was not the answer.

As my friend keep telling to the world: "Be the love generation",
or my mother's unconditional love,
or a fiction of a sacrifice,
or just a simple smile on my beloved ones
should be enough for me to stood again, and again, and again, and again...

and perhaps one day, i will cry again... for the all-loving kingdom of God will reign again over the earth.

PS: I'm sorry mom that I have lost the faith in your church, but I will always have faith in your love. You're always in my heart.

how to comprehend the freak

2007-10-18T17:15:00.000+07:00

I hate your surprised look
I hate your cynical glare
I hate it when you're talking behind my back
I hate it when you're figuring me out
and more I hate it when you discriminate me

I am no better than you...
I am as human as you...
I am a freak as you are...

stop pointing your fingers...
look at the mirror...
are you better?

I am just a free men, unbound by traditions and religions
I believe in God as much as your faith does
I believe in ancestral beings as your culture does
I am Catholic and I am Chinese
does that makes me a part of you?

there you go...
grinding me again with all "you should be" again...

f*ck off!
no! I would not go to Church since I am a Catholic
no! I would not do all those stupid traditions since I am Chinese
what if I don't want to be like you!

no one is better or worse...
we'll either face the flaming gates of hell or feel the soft breeze of heavenly doors...
that's what we are...
simple fools who tends to complicate their own lives...

8 disgusting habits huh?

2007-09-28T00:45:00.000+07:00

Rules :

Each blogger must post these rules

Each blogger starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves

Bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they've been tagged and to read your blog.

8 Habits:

1. snore
2. drool
3. forgot that i cut my hair short that i actually try to touch the (imaginary) hair below my shoulder
4. morning smoke
5. skip a bath when i'm hibernating
6. cries in half-sleep missing someone so dear...
7. cries cause of movies, cartoons, comics, books, my friends' sad stories
8. managed to get an A while showing up on class only once for the whole semester...

People whom I want to tag are (i'm not sorry :p)
vickstene
hoey
riri
ulmie again :p
nia
oops... run out of blog friends :p

tick tock... tick tock... brain explosion in 5... 4... 3... 2... 1...

2007-09-28T00:28:00.000+07:00

why does this day turned out so... cloudy...
1st
wide just revealed some hard to discern pasts... i happened to think a lot about that for a few hours...

2nd
cindy confessed lotsa things to me bout her and her life... and i sympathized with her... cause i feel pretty much the same back then :(

3rd
cebonk announced lotsa troubling issues... i actually found myself frustrated... tired... confused... anger... disgusted... phew...

and i can't tell a freaking soul about these all three fucking headaches!!!!!!!

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

the sum of all craps

2007-09-16T17:04:00.000+07:00

... equals more craps...
that's what happening to me lately...
here's my daily schedule:
woke up at around 11-12 AM
smoke, coffee, paper... around 15 minutes
play until 2/3 PM
eat
play until 3 AM (BZZZZZ)
eat
sleep

so let see how many craps are there
smoke --> some would say it's a crap
play for 4 hours --> 4 hours of craps
eat --> and obviously smoking too
play for 11 hours --> half a day worth of craps
eat --> more midnight meals...

I guess you might as well put a bullet in my brain...
much of the dudes been telling me:

get a life!
think of your future!
do you call that living?

and more blah blah blahs...
well i do listened to them... but i just can't help the urge to flunk this time...
i'm running... and i'm on lightspeed away from those money-freaks at home...
GODSPEED PEOPLE! SEE YOU AT 2107!

sadness is important at times

2007-09-14T02:49:00.001+07:00

at the corner of my room, there i was... staring at the light blue curtain that enveloped my whole dark window... i felt evil creeping up my spine, an ice-cold chill suddenly ran in my blood... making me immune to all the warmth that had been my shield from the daggers of the invisible demons...

the heart can no longer see light, and the mind did not survive the dark depths of the abysmal nightmare... without its master, my body was numb nor my senses was able to tell me of what have become of me...

in despair, i regained all my respite... screaming in my mind... clawing at the shadows to regain the light... the shriek of heart deafened my ears... the muscles were ripping itself apart... the bones were bent along with the joints... and i suddenly know... it was crucifixion... i was damned to the cross...

and there he was... the executioner with the red eyes... he brought a spiked lance, redded with dried blood and bones... its staff was made of bear spine, and its sharp pointing bones could cut the meat while leaving the bones intact...

there he stood, staring at me with such sad, demonic eyes... he smiled... i was throbbing with fears...
thub... thub... thub... my heart rhythmically beat, and without my consent... i was smiling back at him...

"my demon is as wicked as your demon, do you consent?"
"yes"

"your god is as benevolent almighty as mine, do you consent?"
"yes"

"then in your god and in mine, i will took your soul for it has been corrupted, i will reap you mind for it was over-productive, and i shall cast your body for it has lost its sanctified independence... in life you are happily fooled, in death you shall be banished with the blinding truth of your ignorance... you are now D.E.A.D!"

humm...
i have no idea how it come to me to write such absurd, meaningless bla bla blas...
but all in all... i just felt like dead at times... sad for so many reasons, i could not feel sad anymore... i smiled everywhere, everytime... joking here and there... bragging with a wide grin or conversing in such a fun manner... never had a time to properly dwell with the sad things that have happened to me or to others... problems are faced with ignorance, people clamoring wars are dealt with more force, and dillemas are finished with gambles and stakes...
where did this mind go wrong, or have this heart refused to beat for the veins?

last night session with cebonk

2007-08-31T01:58:00.000+07:00

weh weh
ki malam terakhir bersama cebonk...
aldo mbek kebo dah disini turu sak kamar wong 5 sidone ra ono sing turu
tadi jalan2 muter2 ke kenjeran liat pantai ma foto2 (nyusul)
huhuhuhuhu can't believe that tis'll be about my last time i'm going to go around the city as incidental as planless as these times :(
it's not farewell but it's just felt a little strange... it's like i'm a little alone and yet not really alone... i won't be able to quarrel with him as much as i want... or at difficult times start yapping and telling him stories of my stupid life :(
huh...
i really am a spoiled dependent boy huh :(
anyway this is kinda hard to say straight so i'll say it here
"ASU YA BONK! MOGA2 SUKSES, NDANG KAWIN! NDANG MANAK! OJO MANGAN KONCO YA!"
ya wes
ni cebonk ge crita2 ma metta... kasian jg tuh anak... as desperate as love can be :(
daaaaa

holiday holiday

2007-08-18T17:35:00.000+07:00

humm been back for a couple o days now... but hardly touch the browser :p
i played SEAL for almost everytime nowadays... my computer's never shut and there's always either me or xiu playing in front of it :)

but in all here's my holiday

1st week:
i spent most of my holiday hanging out with old friends: kebo, martin, etc etc
i watched IBL prelims, went to my mom's grave, blah blah blah nothing important

2nd week:
i went back to sby to finish school's administration and played SEAL for a hard long time :p i bought the 2nd Eragon book and lost it in 30 minutes (i left it at the cinema's toilet) :( then i bought another one for my spare time in Semarang

3rd week:
busy week
old friends from nedz are coming to attend Indah's bday
i went to lina's place, picked up val n bee (oh how i missed them already, especially val) then putri n golda came afterwards. thus started the nostalgic reunion :)
indah's wedding was superb. she looks so happy :) Cheers for you two!

in the meantime i also had my own reunion with alice (a close hs friend) and went to her friend's wedding who is also my senior at hs. afterwards i spent the night with lina, val, bee, n goldie and also asked martin to stay with me

then it was the time val,bee and goldie to go back home :(
i miss those chatters already...

not long afterwards it was my time to go...
i surely hope this holiday was longer...
i haven't met sylvia yet, or hang out with peggy... still got lotsa ppl to catch up with... i hope i can make it up to them next time

4th week:
lazy time
and now it was the 24/7 SEALtime... i played like a madman for the past 5 days... i took a break at the sixth (now) hoping i could spend a quality time with other things :p

phew...
that was it... a sloppy, eventful, but important holiday...
now it's time to hit back to base

personal DNA huh?

2007-08-18T17:29:00.000+07:00

i got this from mousey... try em :)
personalDNA TEST
and the result:

My personalDNA Report

hummm... basically means i'm a holy freak? not a chance brother ;)
tell me about me!

Mousey's posted great stuffies :) YAY!

2007-06-27T02:41:00.000+07:00

it's 2.30 and i'm hardly sleepy at all... so what do you do then? read bloggies!

Geeky stuff...
47% Geek
i thought mousey's pretty cramped up to spend hours working these...
to my surprise i was more cramped up than she is :)

Coffee stuffs

I am 54% Addicted to Coffee

humm coffee's tricky... i can't get used to it but i do love it :)

Spelling Tests

I Scored a 87%!

Jesus... my english's getting crappy :(

8th Grade Science Test

OMG!!! (sit in the corner and cry in shame...)

Blog Addiction
66%

humm i thought i wasn't addicted... but it's been addictive since i'm wired :)

Body's Worth
$3540.00
now i'm kinda freaked out...

Zombie Apocalypse Survival!
29%
now this is ain't half true tho... what if you just love being a zombie :)

nerdy test

thanks a lot mousey ;)

and the story continues

2007-06-27T00:53:00.000+07:00

heya guys... been a while since i wrote again in this site.
humm the old one got removed when blogger merged with google.
Had to create a new one this time...

I'd be updating musics and movies as usual and games that I played in the meantime.
Wish me luck k,

there's nothing that could stop me from making a comeback this time :)